She cautiously set her cup on the table. This was the only time when the kids were off to school and better half still in bed. Sipping coffee and talking to self for five-ten minutes was all she needed to take charge of herself and her day ahead. Something was amiss that day. She was not able to figure out the happenings inside her. Where was her chirpy self? She was frantically searching for it, for quite a few weeks now.
Everything was going ahead as usual but something felt out of sync. Life felt as if marching ahead with a pace she couldn’t match. She tried to held each moment in her hand. However, time being time, it slipped out like the sand. She felt the pull from all the directions and not enough strength to carry everything on her shoulders. Was she exaggerating to herself, she wondered? Was she playing the victim card, and if yes, then to whom? Was she responsible for this glorious mess? Am I aging? Is it because of “chemical locha*” of hormones? Many such non-congruent thoughts invaded her mind sending her in the state of quandary.
She picked up her mobile and typed her mind out in the Sunshine Group, the very group she had joined recently on Whats App. “Looking for answers” was her last statement in the message. Once posted, she wondered what propelled her to take that step. Did I add to my predicament she quizzed herself, for which again she had no answers. But the arrow was already darted. She decided to leave it and go ahead with the flow of the day as it happened.
A dying ray of hope nudged her to check the Sunshine Group again, after a while. The group had not failed her. In poured the words of advice, comfort and solace. Soon her heart was filled with many rays of warm Sunshine. One ray told her to say “No” to things. One suggested her to pull a break and rest. Another added that its life and that one needs to slow down, lie low at times and it happens with all. Another ray rekindled her own reflection. It counselled her to revisit her dreams, for she had lost what it meant to dream at the hands of day to day mundane routine life and responsibilities thereof.
A chirp by a friend that she was undergoing nothing but a burn out, counselled her further. A flash message by another buddy that this too shall pass brought the pendulum of thoughts to rest at the centre. Soaking up each word of wisdom, first thing that she did was thanked God for surrounding her with well wishers who would not judge her nor poke her for what led her to this? All had but one noble intention to help her tide over the phase and that’s all.
Later in the day, she sat in silence with herself and took out a pen and paper. She poured her heart out and at the end of it, came a whistle! Her chirp was back for it was always inside her, ready to jump back.
She realised that being the wife of a nomad, she had freedom in every aspect of life. But that also meant a lot of responsibility. Most of the times she had to play the role of the father and the mother. The weight of this responsibility sometimes weighed her down. Matching up with the demanding schedules of the growing children was burning her energy faster than earlier. She decided to speak about it to her better half first and then with her children. She was thankful that her children and her better half were very supportive, She was sure they would all help her shoulder the responsibility more efficiently and effectively. All that was needed was to voice it. ‘Why did I not do it earlier?’, she reprimanded herself!
She loved people around her. She was the chirpiest best when she was in the company of her near and dear ones. But this too meant demanding schedules on social front. Nephew going abroad for further studies, cousin coming over from overseas after a long gap, school friends meeting over week end, trip to native for rituals, school function to attend and many such events made her diary overflowing with greetings and meetings. Entertaining them while not disturbing any one’s schedule on home front was tipping the balance off. She decided to stagger her engagements and requested the other parties involved for adjustments. To her surprise, every one headed to her request and accommodated as per her suggestion. ‘Reach out’ was the mantra that she learnt.
Her love for words, musings and conjuring up stories was shouting for her attention too. She had neglected it saying that she would take it up later. It made the creative half of her, sad and sulky. She had not been able to rehearse for her very first live performance and the D day was inching closer. The insecurity stemming from what if I am not able to perform well was corroding her confidence at steady rate. As she sat and looked at it objectively, she realised that the show needed her to be herself. And for being herself she did not need any elaborate preparation!
Furnished with the objective reflection of the situation, smile returned to her as she sipped her coffee again in the late afternoon! ‘I am what I am because of everyone around me and everything happening in and around me’, she reflected. Lagom, her word for the year, popped up in her mind reminding her to be moderate with everything. Was this not tiding over all about?
*Locha – Hindi word that means mess.
I dedicate this post to Sunita Sadhana, Isheita Chopra, Damayanti Biswas, Sunita Rajwade, Corinne Rodrigues, Mayuri Nadigallu, Deepa Gandhi, Varsh Bagadia, Dipika Singh and Meenakshi Iyer. Thanks for helping me tide over…